Mindset Matters
I had a client unintentionally verbalize one of my greatest professional fears the other day.
What they actually said was, “Do you walk into a room and know how it should be organized?”
What I thought they meant was, “Do you come into someone’s home and see all the ways they could be doing better?” YIKES!
What they meant was, “Do you offer room design as one of your services?”
Thankfully, I knew to ask a follow-up question to get the intended meaning, and replied “Absolutely, I enjoy doing that.”
No, my greatest fear is not misunderstanding my clients - good communication skills are the most important tool I have to help me serve them, so I try to never underestimate the power of follow-up questions.
My biggest fear is that people assume I will see the worst in them or their homes. Why is it a fear? Because shame is not just a roadblock, it’s a stop sign, a flat tire, empty gas tank and a “no vehicles permitted” sign rolled into one - it can make you get out of the driver’s seat and push your two-ton car backwards, uphill, as far and as fast as you can.
Shame prevents us from seeing ourselves objectively. It casts a negative light on everything we do. You cannot know yourself if looking within is painful. If you don’t know yourself, how are you going to make choices that serve your needs?
I do understand that shame may be some sort of evolutionary advantage against unethical behavior, but it’s been used as an insidious tool to get us to work harder, make more money, and buy more things - without end.
The Changed Mindset Effect
The year I started teaching, I found myself struggling to form a connection with a student- a kid who needed that connection more than anyone else in my classroom. They had a problematic home life - it was natural that they had a lot of walls up and some self-destructive behaviors that were useful defense mechanisms - at home.
I am not sure when or where I got the advice, but I do remember that I began to see the results almost immediately after I internalized the message, “If you’re going to think about a student, make sure 90% of it is about their goodness.”
It’s wasn’t toxic positivity - I still had to recognize and respond appropriately to their missteps on a day-to-day basis. But my tone, my words, and my body language changed unconsciously when viewing this child through the lens of their innate value. Being new to the practice, it took me a while to build a stock-pile of evidence supporting their good character, but once I did, I was able to give that evidence back to my student when they felt shame.
Empathy heals.
This is what I want my clients to know and in a perfect world hold true for themselves:
I believe a person’s true personality is only visible when they have burdens lifted from their shoulders and are at their best.
I believe people make a home beautiful. When I walk into a home, I see personality and life. I see the art, the color, the materials for activities, and the comfort objects. I might notice laundry or unsorted bills, but my eyes don’t dwell there unless my client indicates it’s a source of stress. Those piles could communicate depression and overwhelm but also could be nothing more than a product of busy and interesting lives.
Disorganization is a source of shame for a lot of people. It has been for me, as well - and honestly, if I can give my clients empathy, well… empathy is for everyone.
Shame is a product of an unhealthy mindset. These mindsets cause us to prioritize the wrong things - wasting time, money, and energy on organization systems that don’t support the people who use them.
My best advice before attempting any reorganization project is think carefully about your mindsets related to your home - figure out which are healthy and which aren’t and only move forward with projects that you know are supported by the healthy ones.
How Healthy Are Your Mindsets?
To determine what makes a mindset healthy or not, let’s start by taking a look at some typical home mindsets. While looking at the list, note which ones you agree with and which you don’t. Don’t be afraid to reflect on why, either way.
My home should always photograph well.
My home should support harmony between its occupants.
My home should always be clean, neat, and organized.
My home should allow its occupants the time and space to learn and do what brings them joy.
My home and the objects inside should always be in perfect repair.
My home should keep its occupants comfortable and safe.
My home should support its occupants’ health.
My home should always have complete matching sets - towels, dishware, glasses, appliances, socks
Now, let's take a look at the list and see which mindsets seem to prioritize unhealthy standards.
Unhealthy Mindsets
Hopefully, #1 jumps right out at you, “My home should always photograph well” is the home equivalent of, “I should always photograph well.”
Oof.
Maybe #5 “....always be in perfect repair” and #8 “always have complete, matching sets” stand out to you as well. Good! Those ones are slightly more insidious…
The one that really weasels its way into our seemingly healthy expectations is #3, “My home should always be clean, neat, and organized.”
My home should always photograph well.
My home should support harmony between its occupants.
My home should always be clean, neat and organized
My home should allow its occupants the time and space to learn and do what brings them joy.
My home and the objects inside should always be in perfect repair.
My home should keep its occupants comfortable and safe.
My home should support its occupants’ health.
My home should always have complete matching sets - towels, dishware, glasses, appliances, socks
Kudos to you if this is attainable and feels healthy!
But are you 100% sure it feels reasonable?
Let’s put a pin in #3 for now… we will be coming back to it.
My final observation about the list is that the previously mentioned statements - #1, #3, #5, and #8 have one important word in common.
Did you notice it?
Reread the list if you’re not sure.
It’s “Always”
Always includes (but is not limited to) during an illness or a bereavement, in the middle of a kid’s birthday party, directly after the party, when you are a new parent, during a construction project, during a busy time at work, regardless of chronic health issues. You get the point.
Do those mindsets actually benefit you? These four mindsets not only keep us in a constant state of anxiety but they also are incredibly good arguments for parting you with your money. So, you are stressed out at home, you buy more storage tubs, you fill your garage, you rent a storage unit… it's an endless triage cycle.
The Left Over Mindsets
So what makes the remaining statements healthier mindsets? What makes them helpful when organizing?
Here they are:
My home should keep its occupants comfortable and safe.
My home should support its occupants’ health.
My home should support harmony between its occupants.
My home should allow its occupants the time and space to learn and do what brings them joy.
First off, I hope you noticed the absence of always. In my professional experience, that word is fine for aspirational purposes, but it negates the value of homes that aren’t functioning as well.
Let’s all acknowledge that we would all rather have an uncomfortable home than none at all.
A Tool For Determining Mindset Health
I don’t want to bore you with a history lesson, but context can be quite important, so…
Abraham Maslow 1908-1970
Abraham Maslow (1908-1970) was a social scientist and psychologist who was particularly interested in studying human fulfillment. Maslow theorized that humans fulfill their needs in a certain order to become healthy and self-actualized. The theory has received fair criticism for lacking nuance and has not remained popular with modern psychologists. However, if you look at the structure as a roadmap of important needs, rather than an itinerary, you will find it’s a good depiction of what generally motivates human behavior.
Healthy Mindsets Connect To, And Harmonize With Human Needs
When the remaining four mindsets are placed beside Maslow’s Hierarchy the connections become apparent.
My home should keep its occupants comfortable and safe (Basic Needs and Safety)
My home should support its occupants’ health. (Safety)
My home should support harmony between its occupants. (Belonging)
My home should allow its occupants the time and space to learn and do what brings them joy. (Esteem and Self-Actualization)
If you are going to make sustainable changes to your home for a positive impact, those changes must be deeply connected to basic human needs.
Unhealthy Mindsets Conflict With Human Needs
Each of the healthy mindsets corresponds to at least one innate human need from Maslow’s Hierarchy and harmonizes with the rest. If you try making connections with unhealthy mindsets you will find them, but you will also find conflicts.
Remember when I said put a pin in #3? You can take it out now.
Here is a fabulous example of a mindset that causes a conflict:
“My home should always be clean, neat, and organized”
This mindset connects with our need for safety and esteem, but conflicts with basic needs- specifically, rest. In addition, anyone who has felt resentment building over recurring issues with dirty socks on the floor, knows this mindset doesn’t work to support our need for belonging.
Conflicting needs are a major source of stress in people’s lives.
In Closing
When you think about what mindsets you have, run them through Maslow’s Hierarchy and check for conflicts. If there aren’t any, your mindset is likely healthy and probably worth pursuing as a basis for organizing your home.
You can also use the hierarchy to evaluate how you use your resources - time, money, space, etc. You might be surprised at how many things you are prioritizing that don’t have to do with your needs or conflict with your needs.
What Next
Now that you know about what makes a mindset healthy or unhealthy in regards to your home, I hope you take some time to list your own mindsets - honestly and without shame.
As I wrote this, I felt just how insidious the “always clean/neat/organized” mindset really is. I kept finding myself hedging… but every time I did, I interrogated the feeling and found more evidence for why it’s not healthy.
Next time, I will be writing about something a little more concrete, why thinking about rooms isn’t as helpful to creating sustainable organization as thinking about activities.
Thank you for going through this thought process with me!
